Month-End Introspection

Grading, fun for the whole family

I have reached the final hours of my month of craziness, and the time has come to really reflect on it.  Was I as successful a teacher, a wife, and a mother as I had hoped to be?  Definitely not.  Some of the things I accept were beyond my control.  I also learned to accept that not all students want to be here.  This is not necessarily a shortcoming on my part, in some cases the student simply does not accept their own role in their education and there is nothing I can do about that.  But even that was such a grab bag of emotions this month that I really need to look back and think about it. 

As an instructor... 
Bad: I think I wasn't as tough on some of my students as I should have been.  I had a student in one class that really brought the dynamic down.  That negativity bred more negativity in other students and led to a very difficult month.  I need to figure out a way to divert the negativity and figure out how my students can channel that energy into something positive. 

Good: The students I could connect with, I REALLY connected with.  And those students, even if other issues prevented them from being successful in my course, will definitely succeed in other ways. 

On the homefront:
Bad: The long hours at work this month left me disconnected from Big Guy and Little Guy.  They also contributed to one tired, stressed, and cranky Kitten as I tried to balance work and moving...  I was not always successful.  Little Guy, in particular, dislikes the long hours that go with a split shift.  He wailed at the thought of me having to go to work a few times.  I had to tell him on my days off that I was staying home.  And Tuesday, Big Guy came in to see me in my off period and Little Guy spent the last half of the visit crying because he wanted me to go home with him.

Part of his clinginess stems from the uproar of moving, I am sure.  But...  I still feel like a crap mom when it happens.  Although moving was the other rough part on the homefront.  By Sunday, this will all be behind me, but the stress of packing and organizing everything fell mainly on Big Guy because, well, he's home to do it.  However, my inability to affect the outcome led to stress and one massive blowout here at the end.  Next time we move, I may drink more heavily.

Good: The house is almost packed.  When we were able to work together, we did WELL.  Not only did we do well, but we were SPECTACULAR.  Plus, we were almost in each other's heads on the organization and planning on a regular basis.  It reiterated that Big Guy and I are definitely partners and definitely have improved our communication skills over the past 8 years.  The entire house is almost packed up and we are almost ready to go.  The house will be a definite step in the right direction (though I think any step out of where we are is "the right direction").  Where we have been living had a purpose, but that is long gone.  Now, we can start a new chapter. 

Overall, the month had its ups and downs, but it was a positive experience and certainly one I can use to gain insight into myself and my life.  Once it truly ends and next month begins with its classes as I live in the new place, I can see what new items I have carried with me and begin the planning for other areas. 

Split Shift Ramblings

This month, I am teaching a split shift.  Split shifts are rough on the body and the mind because the spread of the hours is so exhausting.  I have to start teaching at 8:30 am and that runs till almost 1 pm.  I get a stretch of hours in the middle then until I start again at 6 pm and teach all the way until 10 pm.  I'll go home tonight, whine a bit about food, and then sleep.  Luckily, I don't have to teach tomorrow.

Big Guy agreed to let me take his laptop to work with me, so I can sit in the adjunct office during the stretch of time where I don't have class and work on class stuff.  I will find this extremely helpful this month.  The free time in the middle of the day allowed me to get my morning class papers graded already.  I also was able to look at the books and figure out what I wanted to make copies of for my class before they got here.  I ought to plan what I want them to do for homework on Thursday, but I am seriously considering a power nap. 

Big Guy has also been packing a lunch for me for prevention of passing out during the day.  It is something I truly appreciate and I love having a husband who wants to take care of me.  He loves me, wants me to be happy, healthy and comfortable.  Unfortunately, that's not something that often happens over the course of a split shift month.  My program director tries not to give her instructors two split shifts in a row because it's horrible.  You really do put in 14 hour days and can't do anything outside of school on those days.  The funny/horrible part of this month's split shift is we're moving at the same time. Feel pity for Big Guy, who is taking care of Little Guy and packing all on his own.  I'll be able to get some of it done on Wednesdays and weekends, but the bulk of it falls to him. 

Yesterday, he got a ton of stuff packed in Little Guy's room.  It was impressive, considering Little Guy (like his mother) likes to be able to see everything he owns.  I adamantly refused to go in his room because I was terrified I was going to break something.  Last night, when I got home, Big Guy showed me that not only could we walk on his floor now, but there were "See You Later" boxes packed of toys.  Little Guy and Big Guy had decided what was going to be packed.

I'm hopeful that more stuff will be packed today, but my two Guys may decide to nap instead.  The split shift is hard on all of us.  Bleh, reading this over, I can tell my brain is mush right now.  Back to the grind goeth I.

An Open Letter to Bad Students

Yes. I teach a super-basic English course. I teach you how to correctly put words into sentences, how to put sentences into paragraphs and how to put paragraphs into an essay. I've been doing this for a long time. Longer than you've been here, and I will probably still be doing it long after you've gone, whenever and however that may be. I work hard to make a very dry and usually boring subject somewhat interesting. I know you think this is a stupid, easy, fluff course, but you would not be in this class if you didn't need it. You took a test for placement and failed badly enough that you are mine. 

And so here we are. You on your side of the desk and me on mine. And guess what? No matter what, I win. For the time you are in my class, I am the most important person in your world. Or at least you should act that way. Why? Because teachers aren't stupid. When we're in the lab and you're tap-tapping away on your keyboard or clicking away at your mouse, I KNOW you aren't paying attention to me. And believe me, I know who you are and I will call you out on it. If you're sitting there, slack-jawed with your book closed next to you as I am lecturing about a chapter, I know it's not English you're thinking about. And it adds up. 

You start as a blank slate in my class. By the end of the first day of class, I have identified the students who are going to be most difficult. You know who you are. You are the student who thinks you're so damn wonderful that you can be all cute with the teacher and she'll fall all over herself to give you an A because you're just that amazing. If you think that, think again. Because, in conjunction with me being the most important person in your world while you are in my room, I also have little to no patience for your "cuteness". Your cuteness is not awesome, it is not amazing, and your winning personality will not get you an A. I don't care if you know this; I don't care if you don't want to do the assignment. If you want your grade, you have to earn it. You do not pay my salary. I earn it. You pay for the amazing opportunity to be in my class.

You are also the student who keeps a notebook of excuses. I'll let you in on a secret... I don't care if your dog's uncle's cat's brother ate your homework. I don't care if your car caught fire and burned all your books inside it. If you didn't call me, email me, or leave me a message, it's an excuse. And, if you do this at least once per class session, I probably don't believe you anymore. If you cared about my course, you'd find a way to make those excuses nonexistent. 

My patience is wearing thin. I've explained something just to have to re-explain it five minutes later because a student was doodling flowers in her notebook and is now lost, and I've done that 5 times in half an hour. When a "cute" student ignores me for the better part of a class only to interrupt me five times as I'm trying to explain the assignment, it makes me want to stab my eyes out with a pen. When I'm trying to explain a concept and a student full of excuses is interrupting me to answer a question on the lab assignment that they are doing instead of listening to me, it makes me want to unplug the computer and throw it through the window. Even worse, it causes a deep wellspring of pity for the students who do care and are trying to learn. Because while I am stuck with them for a month or two (or three), these guys will work with them in all their other courses.

I'm sorry, smart, conscientious students. I am sorry that there seems to be such a vast chasm between you and your peers. Do not fall into their trap. Do not think that because they passed, you do not need to work as hard as you do. Because, at the end of the day (or college career) you can come to me for a letter of recommendation and I will give it. I will not be "too busy" for you. If you need help understanding something in another course, I will be more than happy to sit down with you or act as a go between for you and your instructor. You have fostered that trust and you have earned your place. And it is nothing to be ashamed of, so do not fall into their trap.

The bad students are a swampy morass of helplessness and entitlement. They don't know anything, don't want to really improve their lot if it means work, and don't think they should have to do anything anyhow. They pay their money, they should get a degree. That's not how life works. And, by God, that will not be how my class works. So go ahead. Yell at me. Roll your eyes at me. Grumble beneath your breath about these "stupid assignments" and complain just in earshot about how worthless you think they are. I don't care, and in fact, it makes me giggle a bit on the inside because you'll be doing them again when you fail. Tell me how your cat ate your car and that's why you missed 3 classes in a row. It makes no difference to me. You'll take the course again and I will still get paid. I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. Get used to it.



Love

An English Teacher on the Edge

Bookstore dreams and wishes

We've been pushing forward on the bookstore idea pretty hard. We've got the market research survey up online and are already receiving responses. Some of the responses have been quite enlightening and surprising. Some of them, not so surprising but identify a particular hazard we will have to deal with in running the store.

I'm already establishing guidelines in my head about what used media we will accept, what condition it must be in, and how we will establish the store credit for it. We have great ideas about what we want to offer, how we want to offer it, and how we want things to work. I think we can really pull it off if we can get the funding. Big guy and I are determined and very excited about this. It's really been all we've discussed for a while. I really want this to work. I'm also thrilled that he seems passionate about doing this.

Big Guy is truly the love of my life, but he will be the first to say that there's very little he cares about enough to fight for. I'm the fighter in the house. I throw myself into everything with a sort of passionate madness that Big Guy just doesn't seem to have. This, however, has lit a fire in him. It's encouraging for me to see because I always worried that he didn't have anything he liked to do that he "loved". I LOVE writing and teaching. When things get difficult and hard to do, I can hold on to my love for both htose things to get past the rough paches and continue on working at them. Big Guy didn't have that in any of his jobs, which meant that when things got tough, he got angry, sullen and bitter. It made me sad.

And if we can pull this off, he's going to need that love and passion. We're going to have to work hard to make this take off. On the bright side, if we can get this to work, this will free us from other bosses. I'd love to get the store going and have it reach a point where we become a staple of life around town. Perhaps we can get it to a point where life isn't a struggle anymore. The hard thing, for me at least, is this dream means putting off the homesteading dream because everything is going to have to be poured into the business. All our energy, any extra money, and our lives for a long time are going to be at the whim of the retail store gods. The place we're considering has an apartment upstairs but no yard space to speak of. I'll be able to plant very little, if I can plant anything at all. There definitely would not be room for chickens. I also recognize that, should the bookstore fail, it will effectively kill our ability to do the homesteading.

This really has to work. I know we have the drive, I know we can push it out.... I just hope it takes off.