A trip down the old house lane

It was a wonderful weekend.  I love relaxing at home with my family.  When I work split shifts, I often find myself just wiped out during my free time.  I spend a great deal of time sleeping and recovering only to turn around and do it again the next day.  That is simply one of the reasons why the weekends are so desperately needed.  I get that extra day to recuperate. 

This weekend, we had a few errands to run on Friday.  Big Guy needed some new jeans since his were getting hole-ly.  I want to state for the record that I was perfectly fine with the state of his jeans, but then I'm not one to keep my hands off my husband.  In any case, we went to the closest Big & Tall shop only to discover that the cheapest jeans there were $50.  After. laughing inwardly at the thought of spending that much money on a pair of jeans, we had to decide where else to go.  Normally, we pick up our clothes from Goodwill or Salvation Army.  Big Guy, however, cannot find pants that fit him at the second-hand shops. He's too big and tall.  

We ended up going back to the shop in Elkhart.  We drove past the old house and discovered that A - they had put new railings on the stairs and B - whoever had moved in after us had moved out already, and the place was empty again.  Color me shocked.  That's what happens when you treat tenants like an endless, cheap resource.  However, it was nice to just drive by.  We didn't have to stop and we didn't have to go inside.  We just trundled on down to the shop to get Big Guy his jeans.  

However, the drive by did start Little Guy on his comparisons of the "old house" vs. the "new house" again.  The outcome hasn't changed.  He still thinks the old house is "rubbish," but he has decided that it is because of the ceilings.  When pressed for an explanation, he told me: "Our new ceilings are nice. Our old ceilings were rubbish and kind of...not good.". Make of that what you will...  

I spent the rest of the weekend and this morning hearing these types of comparisons.  While I am certainly glad that he likes where we live now, I am afraid I have broken him.  I really did not like our old house.  Obviously, he could tell.  

What I did with my weekend

This USED to be a tree

So did this (but I fixed that)

The weekend after Big Guy and I moved in, the mulberry in the backyard leaned into the neighbor's yard. It was rather startling and horrifying for us since we had JUST moved in and we were getting a call about the tree deciding it preferred another yard to ours.  We had several tree companies come out and look it over.  All of them recommended removing the tree entirely.  Apparently, while mulberries themselves are delicious and sweet, the tree is crap.

They removed the tree this week, so our backyard is now treeless and very, very bright.  Big Guy and I cleaned up the wood pieces while Little Guy ran around the yard.  Then we put him down for a nap because he desperately needed it and we needed to not worry about potentially chopping him in half.  We got the logs split, stacked and then enjoyed the evening in the back yard around the fire pit.  Check that.  Big Guy and I enjoyed the fire pit.  Little Guy enjoyed running around the back yard in the dark with his fake pet squirrel.  He loves that squirrel.

Captain Squirrel of the Furred Fleet 5

I set up a website through Google Sites for tutoring.  I'm rather amused, and slightly alarmed, at how thoroughly Google managed to infiltrate my life.  Youtube, Blogspot, my phone number, email, and now my business website are all run through Google.  I hear they are awesome to work for though, so I guess I can throw business at them. 

As we settle in to Fall at the new place, I keep telling Big Guy how happy I am.  Part of that may be the wine, but I really do love the house.  We have a great little porch area set up.  Sitting out there, cup of coffee (or tea) in hand and surveying the neighborhood is remarkably relaxing. The past few days have been warm and relaxing, so I want to take advantage of it while I can! 

A Cup of coffee, a book, and me...  Heaven.

Winter is coming (nerd)

This bush was once green.... 

Fall approaches. The leaves are changing, the heavy, sweet scent of smoke and dead leaves hangs in the air.  Today was warm, but there's still that underlying knowledge that the colder days get closer.  It's nice to be in a place where the walls aren't likely to radiate cold.  (Big Guy complains that is an inaccurate term, but I disagree.  It's a perfect description for the trailer walls.  You could feel the cold winter air pour off of them, even when there were no windows.)

Hey, orang-ish ones!

In an effort to drum up more money for the home, I've thrown my hat into the tutoring ring.  Using Google, since they seem to have all the cool stuff, I designed a website and advertised on Craigslist.  We'll see what I can bring in. 

Other than the usual difficulties, we're settling in rather well.  Our oven went out, but our Landlord has already ordered a new one and it should be installed next week.  The cats seem to be handling this well too.  I was afraid Caitlin wasn't going to handle the stress of moving well, but she's handled it better than Tiger!  Caitlin got here, poked around the place, and then has settled in nicely.  Tiger, on the other hand, yowled non-stop in the car, hyperventilated when we got here, hid in our closet and has spent the days since then trying to get out of the house.

Caitlin wasn't aware Tiger was under her

Little Guy loves the house too...  But he's driving me nuts with the stairs.  He loves them.  He slides down them on his belly or he hops down them, one step at a time.  I am terrified he's going to break his neck.  Big Guy and I are still bumbling our way through boxes, one at a time.  At the rate we're going we may be unpacked by.... 2015. 

Even with the tightness of life, Big Guy and I are thrilled and happy to be moved out of Elkhart and into a house that doesn't threaten to re-enact the house scene from The Wizard of Oz.  Our library is close, we will have heat, and we always make it work.  We always do.

Month-End Introspection

Grading, fun for the whole family

I have reached the final hours of my month of craziness, and the time has come to really reflect on it.  Was I as successful a teacher, a wife, and a mother as I had hoped to be?  Definitely not.  Some of the things I accept were beyond my control.  I also learned to accept that not all students want to be here.  This is not necessarily a shortcoming on my part, in some cases the student simply does not accept their own role in their education and there is nothing I can do about that.  But even that was such a grab bag of emotions this month that I really need to look back and think about it. 

As an instructor... 
Bad: I think I wasn't as tough on some of my students as I should have been.  I had a student in one class that really brought the dynamic down.  That negativity bred more negativity in other students and led to a very difficult month.  I need to figure out a way to divert the negativity and figure out how my students can channel that energy into something positive. 

Good: The students I could connect with, I REALLY connected with.  And those students, even if other issues prevented them from being successful in my course, will definitely succeed in other ways. 

On the homefront:
Bad: The long hours at work this month left me disconnected from Big Guy and Little Guy.  They also contributed to one tired, stressed, and cranky Kitten as I tried to balance work and moving...  I was not always successful.  Little Guy, in particular, dislikes the long hours that go with a split shift.  He wailed at the thought of me having to go to work a few times.  I had to tell him on my days off that I was staying home.  And Tuesday, Big Guy came in to see me in my off period and Little Guy spent the last half of the visit crying because he wanted me to go home with him.

Part of his clinginess stems from the uproar of moving, I am sure.  But...  I still feel like a crap mom when it happens.  Although moving was the other rough part on the homefront.  By Sunday, this will all be behind me, but the stress of packing and organizing everything fell mainly on Big Guy because, well, he's home to do it.  However, my inability to affect the outcome led to stress and one massive blowout here at the end.  Next time we move, I may drink more heavily.

Good: The house is almost packed.  When we were able to work together, we did WELL.  Not only did we do well, but we were SPECTACULAR.  Plus, we were almost in each other's heads on the organization and planning on a regular basis.  It reiterated that Big Guy and I are definitely partners and definitely have improved our communication skills over the past 8 years.  The entire house is almost packed up and we are almost ready to go.  The house will be a definite step in the right direction (though I think any step out of where we are is "the right direction").  Where we have been living had a purpose, but that is long gone.  Now, we can start a new chapter. 

Overall, the month had its ups and downs, but it was a positive experience and certainly one I can use to gain insight into myself and my life.  Once it truly ends and next month begins with its classes as I live in the new place, I can see what new items I have carried with me and begin the planning for other areas. 

A simple Friday

My usual Friday plans have been interrupted by the "light dusting" of snow we were to receive.  Apparently, in Indiana weatherman parlance, "light dusting" means "huddle inside your house for warmth".  So, instead I am making more bread and we've got PBS Kids on the television for Little Guy. 

One of my New Year's resolutions this year is to become more organized and manage time and money better.  The rapidly changing schedule is making it more important than ever to do so.  This month, I am working a split shift.  I teach one class in the morning and one class at night.  The week after next, however, my schedule changes for the next month.  I'll teach mornings and afternoons, leaving my evenings free.  I've been teaching nights for so long now, I'm not going to know what to do with myself.  Big Guy will get to be home during the day with our little monkey. 

If we can keep up the work we've been doing, we can survive just fine.  Big Guy and I need to take an opportunity to sit down and figure out a plan for the next few months, like what we'll do if I don't get two classes.  I've got a plan to save up money so that when the break hits, I'll be able to transfer over money to cover it.  Things may be tight and sort of complicated, but luckily we have the communication skills to figure it out. 

We're still looking at getting out of our current rental and, at this point, I am so done living here.  I'm sure some of it is just basic impatience on my part, but living here has not been the best experience.  This place had a purpose when we moved in, but that purpose has long since passed, and it's time for us to move to our new chapter of life.  Our life has changed so much since we moved in that our needs in a place have changed as well.  We're also not under pressure to move, which is a pleasant change.  We have been looking for a good place to live, price-wise and also life-wise.

We're not going to be able to get the perfect place, but we'll be able to find something that will serve us well.  And right now, Big Guy and I are in agreement that everything happens for a reason.  Hopefully the purpose of all of this will become apparent soon.

Finding peace in upheaval

I wouldn't even know where to begin in discussing the insanity of the past couple weeks. We had a roommate, but now we don't. We were going to move, but now we aren't. Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose! We're back to the three of us living in the house and still planning on moving. The commune idea is, unfortunately, dormant for now. I'm still trying to figure out what happened and why and kind of relieved I don't have to deal with anyone else's flakiness any more.  Flakiness is good in biscuits, not friendships!

I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about the situation, but that's mostly due to things happening so fast that I'm still not sure what happened. As far as I know, it wasn't a big blow-out, which is good. There are things that concern me, but, as Big Guy told me when this happened, there's nothing I can do and it's not really my place to say anything.

We had also found a perfect place that would have worked wonderfully, but then things shifted right in the middle of trying to get it which led to lots of acrobatics on Big Guy's and my parts trying to get things all sorted out. In the middle of doing that, the place got rented out from under us. I'm irked about the acrobatics it required (which should have been completely unnecessary) but not horribly upset. It's back to the drawing board in terms of houses but we know what we want and we know what we can do. We've also decided that if we do try the commune idea again, we're going to start it on our own and let other people join. That way it doesn't matter if it takes off or not, we're still settled.

So, I've been practicing centering myself and finding silver linings along with looking for a new place to live. And I'll add to that, trying not to be concerned for our former roommate. Big Guy and I have already discussed how to handle this and we're in complete agreement. I just hope that our plans for the worst case scenario don't come to fruition. Someday, I may be able to talk to him about all of this, but I don't think that day has arrived and, hopefully, it will be a long way in the future. I'd rather be wrong in this case than right.

I finished the Song of Ice and Fire books and loved them... Right up to the end of A Feast For Crows. A Dance With Dragons has been in the works for 5+ years and GRRM shows no signs of finishing it. Little Guy has been reading up a storm and making up stories about everything. His latest stories have involved people and things from a couple animes we watched, The Last Exile and Avatar: The Last Airbender. Combined with Fat Princess, his stories involve swordfighting, flying and firebending. Between that and begging me to watch Monty Python, I love this kid.

I want to move NOW

We're looking at houses to move our group into. Whiteybare has claimed the front room for his own, but I'd really like to get a place where he feels more comfortable coming into the public areas of the house, and I believe that will only happen once we get a place with him. I'm always afraid that we're making him feel uncomfortable or unhappy. That worrying leads to hovering and, if I am not careful, will drive him insane.

I just want everyone to be happy and the idea of the commune is such a cheerful happy one that I can't help but want to make it a reality. Unfortunately, we have a ways to go before we can start forming the commune. One of the first steps is going to have to be forming the LLC. After we find a rental for our group where we can start setting aside money, we'll also start to build up money for a down payment. After we have some money set aside for a down payment, we'll look at houses and land. From there, we can start doing the communal thing.

I wish we could get started on it now, but there is no chance of that happening. We don't have the money for a down payment, and, even if we did, we don't have the credit for a loan. I'd love to be able to make a deal with someone in the area where we pay money for the land over a contracted period of time with someone who likes and supports what we're doing. Unfortunately, such deals are not in existance where we need them. We need to stay in the area where we currently reside. Whiteybare is a returning college student and needs to keep the in-state tuition. I am pretty well settled in my job and really could not find work like it elsewhere. And Big Guy needs to keep his job to pay his ex and cannot switch out unless it's for a higher paygrade.

In the meantime, I deal with the uncomfortable, impatient feeling. I want to be out of there NOW, and I know we can't get out NOW. So, I feel restless and irritated, ready to jump out at the word go. Unfortunately, this only irritates myself and my husband. Big Guy feels frustrated because I am not thrilled and he feels bad because it isn't what we want and he can't provide it for us right now. I try to keep my feelings, in that case, under wraps. I'm not a person who hides her emotions easily though, which only makes me more restless. Little Guy may pick up on the restlessness but it only serves to make him more hyper, a feat which is amazing enough considering his current level of hyper.

I tell myself that things will work out for the best. In the grand scheme of things, we are pretty well off. We have a roof over our heads, food for our bellies, and many luxeries that others do not have. I'll just be glad when we get to do our own thing.

Wanting to go from Urban Homestead to Homestead

Economic times have become dark indeed, and desperate times, as they say, call for desperate measures.  When Whiteybare (as he wants to be called) showed up at our house and told us that he was losing his home, Big Guy and I didn't even flinch.  Our natural inclination was to say: "Stay here, we'll make room for you."  From there, we discussed our own burgeoning unhappiness with the community we live in.  So we decided that the group of us would get our own place and we'd do the hippie thing, grow our own food and work together, become a truly extended family. 

After that, we thought we might be able to do this with a few more friends, but the planning just didn't work out for a variety of reasons.  But, in the past 2 weeks, we've done pretty much nothing but look at houses and try to find good spaces on craigslist.  It's been frustrating to say the least.  But, even after the fall of the initial commune plan, we're still going to go ahead and try to form a mini commune.  We also have more time adn a wider variety of places to choose from, even if we're renting and not buying. 

Honestly, I recognize that what I am looking for is probably out of our reach, but it doesn't stop me from wanting better.  The goal is a house in the country with a big yard for gardening, a fireplace, and room enough to raise animals.  I guess you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl.  So, right now we're looking for a place to rent that's "good enough", or a house on Land Contract that suits our needs and our wants. 

With Whiteybare moving in, we have someone who agrees with and understands our desire to find a country place, so this partnership should work very well.  He gets a place to live, and we all get an extended family with the same values and desires.  In addition to that, Big Guy has picked up a rifle and we're going to look into going deer hunting this year.  It's exciting, the little steps we're taking.  I just wish we could take the big step and get a place of our own. 

Looking at getting out

Big Guy and I are looking at houses to move into. Between the school issues and other things, we're just not comfortable here anymore and need to get out. The hope is to find a house that someone is willing to sell on a land contract. We talked last night and decided that this is our last year on the lease here.

Our idea is to make a list of what we want in our ideal house and then decide what we are willing to compromise on for a rental. Somewhere in all of this, we'll sort out what needs sorting out and figure out what will make us happy. We went and looked at a rental last night which really cemented our need to get out of here. However, Big Guy doesn't think that we should apply for this particular house and I can see why he feels this way. I've told him that I recognize my impulsivity and I am willing to defer to a less emotion-filled decision maker. But, I also told him I felt we SHOULD apply for the house. I am not going to push that issue though.

With the end of the month approaching, I am grading and preparing for the end of this class. Next month, I am scheduled for Comp II. I'm relieved that this year seems to be going so well, but we do have a few financial details to take care of. Once we do that, my hope is to go back to school for a Master's degree and increase my marketability. I love teaching English at a college level but I need more money and more reliability in this.

Tonight, however, is finals night for my class. I'll be grading and submitting grades tonight, and then I'll hopefully be going home. With class next month, we are going to start figuring out how to improve our situation.  Then we're going to do it.