Marriage: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

As Singing Through The Rain points out: being married isn't easy.  Big Guy and I have been told that we are "retarded for each other".  We snuggle, we kiss, we do almost everything together.  We are very much in love and it takes work to keep us that way. 

Back after Little Guy was born, our communication issues began to catch up with us.  We realized rather rapidly that if we wanted our marriage to succeed and, more importantly, survive, we needed help.  So we got it.  We spent nearly a year in therapy learning to communicate better, learning tips and tricks to keep us on track, and in the end it was worth it.  We both recognize the benefits that our therapy gave us.  Our communication improved drastically and we began to recognize the ineffective ways we approached each other and dealt with problems. 

This became immensely important when step-family issues reared their ugly heads.  Had there been any cracks in our relationship, they would have turned into gaping holes when the shit hit the fan.  We managed to survive and are still doing really well.  But, it is a process of working at it every day and we try really hard to keep things good. 

One of the keys, I believe, is working at it so that it doesn't seem like work.  Like any job, regular maintenance can make things go smoothly.  So, we go to bed together each night and cuddle before we fall asleep.  We flirt with each other on a regular basis.  We make it a point to find things we both like to do.  We also tend to make decisions based on who needs the most right now.  This month, I've needed a lot of support as I worked the split shift.  He's been pretty good about working with me and not complaining.  This weekend, it shifted as he came down with a nasty cold and I took care of him. 

Do we still fight?  Oh yes.  Our fights tend not to last long though.  Again, I attribute that to improved communication.  Some days are worse than others, some days we stumble in our practices, but we both agree that our marriage is important and worth working at. 

Little Guy is Spirited not Strong-willed

I'm confining myself to the same strictures I put on my students and forcing myself to sit and write for 10 minutes straight.  Well, at least as straight as a parent who is home with a 4 year old can make it.  Right now, I'm up to about a minute of uninterrupted time.  I'm seriously impressed. 

Currently, Little Guy is ensconced in the hall with his cars.  I can't get him to finish his "brep-fast" of a banana on a hot dog bun smeared with peanut butter.  He asked for it and now he won't eat it.  Meals have become a battle ground.  Short of forcing him to sit, we're stuck with fighting him every step of the way to eat.  This has become the new "potty" argument. 

One of the things I have done recently is look up advice on "Strong willed" children.  I immediately decided I didn't approve of the group who had take "strong willed" as their banner phrase and instead decided to go with the parents of spirited children.  It may not seem to make sense, but I've discovered the advice on parenting "strong willed" children seems to advocate breaking their spirit and bending them to the parent's will.  Advice on parenting "spirited" children seems to advocate working with the spirited child and encouraging them to keep their sense of self while working within the bounds of society. 

I don't want to break his spirit or individuality.  He's going to need it as he gets older.  I want him to be able to make his own decisions and to be firm in his convictions.  I want him to not be afraid to stand up for the right thing, even if most people disagree with him.  I don't think that forcing him to follow a narrow path is the best way to do that.  Of course, I also have issues with society as a whole right now. I don't want him to follow the path that so many people seem to follow and be apathetic and content with the status quo. 

I think spirited children are our future and quite likely our only hope.  If we're so keen to make them fit into the cubby holes that society has deemed appropriate, we will never improve the situation in our country.  If Edison or Lincoln had done that which was expected of them, we would still be enslaving people by candlelight.  And, unfortunately, he has me for a mother.  I hate following the well-worn paths.  I'd much rather poke around and discover what I can find on my own.  I want him to feel comfortable doing that too. 

What this means for me, however, is a long period of time where I will be frustrated and irritated because my son has a mind of his own.  I just have to let him learn some things through trial and error.  Right now, we're not going to go outside because he hasn't finished breakfast.  Once he finishes breakfast, I will go out with him and turn on the sprinkler and let him play to his heart's content.  But he's being his spirited self and I suspect that won't happen before I have to get ready for work. 

People need boundaries

For the most part, class is going well this month.  Admittedly, we’ve only had 3 class periods, but the students are becoming more interactive as they figure out what kind of class this is and what I am willing to deal with.  They seem pretty accepting of the stricter rules I’ve put down because I have established a clear boundary to my empathy.  I can be the good guy and then if they cross the boundary, they know what the repercussions are.  It’s almost like raising kids. 

My son, by the way, doesn’t seem to understand the meaning of boundary besides the definition of “something you cross or push”.  I’d swear the child was 14, not 4. When Whiteybare moved in, I informed Little Guy that he was NOT to go into Whiteybare’s room without express permission.  I even defined the boundary by the piece of wood across the threshold.  At that point, my child slid his foot halfway over the piece of wood and stopped.  When I caught him he pulled his foot back and then slowly did the same thing with his arm.  When I redefined the boundary as any part of the piece of wood, he laid down on the floor with his head in his hands and inched closer to the threshold. 

He’s lucky I love him.

This weekend is Mother’s Day. I adore my mom; I think this is well known.  Despite the craziness she passed down to me, she is still a wonderful mother.  And this weekend, we’re going to see her. I can’t wait until she gets her “new” car plated so I can go back to seeing her on a weekly basis.  I miss my Mother-daughter days. We used to have days like that when I was little, where I would spend time with my mom only.   We did shopping then too, but I always loved spending time with my mom.  I remember that was one of the things my step-father hated. He felt that my wanting to spend time with my mom was a sign I was “cowed” by her and under her thumb.  I suspect anyone who knows me would be amused by the idea that I would be cowed by anyone, and my mom would find it funny that I was cowed by her in particular. 

Why do I get the impression that my son will be the same way? 

Anniversary Weekend

This weekend, Big Guy and I celebrate six years of marriage.  It's so hard to imagine that we have been together that long, and yet people still talk about the party that was our wedding.  It really was a remarkable party that was a blast.  We were going through some pictures with his parents and came across some pictures from later that evening that will make great blackmail pictures for our friends. 

Being married to the love of my life has been an amazing experience and one that, like any marriage, has been full of ups and downs.  Big Guy and I were lucky enough to have the opportunity to go to counseling and learn how to communicate better with each other.  It ended up being  one of the best things we could have done for ourselves and for our marriage.  Aside from learning to communicate more effectively with each other, it also reinforced how committed and devoted to each other we are. 




Even more importantly, with all the horrible things hat happened over the last year, I am not sure how effectively we would have dealt with things.  Because we were able to improve our communication, we ere able to connect with each other even when the kids left and my aunt died.  It also enabled us to get through the job reduction he suffered with minimal conflict between us in our most stressful times. 

As it stands, I am happy we found each other.  We're on the same page regarding the raising of children and the way a marriage should work which makes any situation that much easier.  We know each other well enough to know what the other person's answer is likely to be and respect each other enough to not commit to things unless we're absolutely certain the other person is on board.  I feel like I have found a real partner who is devoted to our family and treats me like a princess. 

In a time where 50% of all marriages and 80% of all second and subsequent marriages end in divorce, we are lucky to beat the odds against us.  Even more importantly, we recognize how truly wonderful it is to have each other.

Love, constant across the years

I have "Sh-boom" stuck in my head thanks to Little Guy's Cars movie.  I love the cheery, romantic tone of the song.  In a lot of ways, I feel somewhat out of sync with the modern world.  While I'm not quite the pioneer my mom and sister are, in many ways I feel more in tune with bygone eras. 

A lot of that stems from my own romantic nature, I know.  Romantically, you picture the '50's as poodle skirts and milkshakes, low crime and suburban happiness.  Realistically, it was also the time of McCarthyism and racism.  And many "happy housewives" were housewives because they had no other options.  The Victorian era was also more than long skirts, roses, and the age of invention.  Illnesses ran rampant, Jack the Ripper plied his trade, and workers' rights were non-existent. 

The sad fact is I would probably feel I fit in just as well there as I feel I do here.  As I told Big Guy yesterday, humanity hasn't progressed as much as we like to think we have.  Shakespeare wrote a play entitled "Titus Andronicus" whose storyline would definitely be on par with a movie like "Saw".  However, because it's written by Shakespeare, people tend to discount the sensational aspect, forgetting that the man was an entertainer of the masses.  People have always loved a good, gory, revenge story. Literature has always been a reflection of humanity and what it enjoys. 

I suppose, though, that is also why one of the biggest selling genres has been romance.  Everyone, despite the enjoyment of the illicit and the gruesome, also enjoys the idea of love, true love, overcoming all odds.  I think even men have romantic sides, even if it isn't as well developed as women's romantic sides. I know Big Guy does, and every man I've dealt with has always tried to impress or "woo" the woman into believing them the best. They write poems, pick flowers, or compose songs to convince the woman that she is, in their eyes, perfect. And that is something that seems to have stretched across every era. 

I guess love truly is a universal language.

This is dedicated to the one I love

It's that time of year again, time to honor the sexiest, most handsome, sweetest, most mysterious and generous man I know...  Tall, dark and handsome, he's hard to resist.....


You know w ho I'm talking about...


Naveen Andrews!

OK, not Naveen...  He is cute, but he doesn't hold a candle to the man I married.  Big Guy. 

When I met hi, I never could have guessed the kind of relationship we would end up having.  This is probably a good thing.  Had I known the insanity that would come with a blended family, I may have run screaming into the night.  

He's an incurable romantic and tries very hard to spoil me rotten   And he always makes me laugh.  More often than not, an argument between  us will end up with both of us giggling. 

And I love him madly and wouldn't change anything. 

Happy Valentine's Day love.  I still find you sexy. 

Let Me Call you Sweetheart Blog Hop!

Today's blog entry is part of the "Let me call you sweetheart" blog hop sponsored by The Frugal Housewife!  This is my first blog hop, so I am very excited!  It's sort of a pre-Valentines Day bash.  It's interesting to note that celebrating February 14th as a day of romantic love was unheard of before Chaucer (of Canterbury Tales fame) got a hold of St. Valentine and turned it into the hearts and flowers holiday we see today. 

Now, I've been married for the past 5 years and 11 months and Valentine's Day has definitely changed in meaning and likely will the longer I stay married. It's gone from the swooning, sweep-me-off-my-feet holiday to more of a "I still find you sexy even though I've seen you at your worst" kind of holiday.  Of course our anniversary has also changed over the years from a "Yay, another year married" to a celebration of "Holy crap, we survived another year despite the forces moving against us".

The key to this all though is that Big Guy and I make a point of celebrating these holidays and celebrating them together.  I think that our attempts to romance each other, even after 6 years of marriage, a child, and 3 moves, only strengthens our relationship.  It's one of those things that you have to work on in a relationship.  There are going to be days where you are unhappy, cranky, or just don't feel sexy and you'll still try.  If you have a good partner, most of the time they will pick up on the fact that you just aren't feeling it and will work to help get you in a better frame of mind. 

Fighting against your own blahs is difficult enough on your own, but it's worse when you and your significant other go through it together.  That has happened to Big Guy and I on occasion and we refer to it as our "downward spiral". It's the opposite of feeding off positive energy and we feed off the negative and just get worse and worse.  Luckily, after 6 years, we've learned to recognize when it starts and we will look at the other person and say: "Wait, stop, we're heading into our downward spiral."  Generally, that's enough to snap us out of it and work on finding the positive.  Noticing the beginning of the spiral, though, was no easy task. 

We did work hard at it and we learned to notice the clues in our therapy sessions.  And, let me tell you, in a blended family, marital therapy is invaluable.  We learned to communicate better and that helped us deal with issues that came with the ex and kids. And through all of that, we worked on making sure we still romanced each other. 

Some of the things we did weren't terribly romantic on the surface but were insanely romantic in context. One of the first Valentine's Day's we had together, we were dirt poor.  Those were desperate times, living hand to mouth and we had no way of getting out of it, but that day Big Guy came home with a heart-shaped pizza.  It was, for our budget at the time, a massive expenditure.  For my first Mother's Day, we were still dirt poor but Big Guy wanted to make sure I knew that he felt I was a good step-mother to his kids.  He brought home a case of Wild Cherry Pepsi.  Those were and still are big things to me. He worked hard to get something that we would enjoy and expressed his appreciation.  Always find someway to show your significant other you appreciate their efforts and find some way to make it something that speaks directly to them.

Valentine's Day isn't just about hearts and flowers, it's about being with and appreciating the one you love.  So, I love and appreciate you Big Guy.  Thank you for being there for me; for rubbing my back when I'm cramping, for letting me puke on your feet on election night, for standing next to me and seeing more of me than even I have seen during the birth of our son...  In return, I have rubbed your back as you puked, dealt with intestinal issues with you, and allowed you to slough off on your dish duty.  They may be the messy, gross times, but they are the times that are indicative of our love.

And I still find you sexy. 

Next Stop on the Hop - Lola's Diner!  Thanks for visiting!