An open letter to my alienated oldest step-daughter

Dear Oldest Child,

I have started this letter several times and in several ways, but the likelihood of you ever reading it is slim, so I guess it doesn't really matter. You are 18 now, graduating (or graduated). Welcome to life after childhood. I know you won't understand what that means yet. You still need time to work out the hormones and figure out what life really is before you can see reality for what it is.

My days of trying to be the super-step-mom are long over, so I won't issue sweet platitudes o r give rose-colored advice on your future. It wouldn't matter to you anyhow. We aren't a part of your life; we won't be invited to your graduation. It's not as much of a stepping stone anymore. It's just another mile marker in the long road where you and your siblings move further and further away from your father.

Your father still waits for you to call because he believed you at Grand-dad's funeral. He believed that you were sorry; he believed that once you were grown and free, you would call. He doesn't want to bring pain on you from your mother, so he didn't even send you a Facebook message regarding your birthday because you told him she would “freak”. And, since I have relinquished my step-mom crown, I am working hard on letting it go. I am not responsible for his relationship with you or your relationship with him.

Letting it go is difficult, though. especially when I look back over the years. 10 years, your father and I have been together. I still remember you as the little girl who cried at the wedding because you were afraid you weren't going to get to come. Your mom had told you she wasn't letting it happen, and so your father and I sneakily moved the wedding forward. We paid for it afterwards. We didn't see any of you for three months.

I remember many things, stories that we kept from you because we wanted to believe that doing the right thing meant that we would achieve the goal of having a happy, blended family in the long run. So, we didn't involve you in the battle, we followed advice that said to answer the questions briefly, but remind kids that they should be kids and not worry about it. Boy, were we wrong. Funny how you can play by the rules, but still lose. That's a lesson in being a grown-up. Good luck with that one.

I remember the last day, when you left our house for good. You hated us, you said. You hated Little Guy. He wasn't your brother... Never mind that your mom's child, born of a different relationship, apparently was, and is. It was then that I realized, listening to the words coming from your mouth, that I could never trust you with your father's and my child.

We were mean. How? You didn't know. You just knew we were. We were abusive. How? You didn't know. We just were.

You stared at me sullenly when I finally confronted you about some of the lies your mom had spewed, and confirmed that you had fed them to her. I doubt you ever cleared up that misconception, and it doesn't matter anyhow, I suppose. Your mom has and always will hate your dad. You and your siblings will always be sucked into it.

So, I suppose in a way, I am glad for you. This is your chance to escape. I hope you take it. This is your chance to make amends and build bridges with your father. I hope you do that too. He loves you, more than you will ever know. He is a good man who believes the best in people. It was how he lasted so long with your mom. He believes in you, too. And he desperately misses you and your siblings.

As for me, as I said, I am done being super-step-mom. I'm not playing by those rules any more. I won't pull punches and I will never sugar coat things about your mom ever again. So, while I encourage you to build bridges with your father, I encourage you even more to do it without me. I am not who I once was, and I will not pretend things are as they once were. That land has been burned and salted.

But mostly, get away from your mom. I know you love her, and I believe in her own sick, twisted way, she loves you the best a bi-polar narcissist can. Your own sanity may depend on you loving her from afar.

Sincerely,

Kitten

2011 in Review - Now with 2012 Resolutions!

This holiday season ate me up and spit me out.  I don’t know where time went and I don’t know how it got so crazy leading up to Christmas.  By the week before, I still had almost all of my shopping left to do, a party on Christmas Eve with no food, and we barely had a tree….  However, by the time Christmas did roll around, the tree was decorated, food was prepared (including some amazingly good mulled wine), gifts were wrapped, and much fun was had by all. 

Now, as I finish the holiday week, I look back over the year and it’s really been a very interesting year.  We moved, things changed, life evolved… And, most importantly, we survived.  In a way, I feel like a twig caught in the currents of my life.  I am buffeted to and fro, hither and yon, swept away by things I cannot see and cannot understand.  I’ve made it through, but I feel kind of overwhelmed and clueless.  I suppose that is a symptom of life as well. 

I am blessed in that it has been a good year, even despite difficulties.  I feel as though I am where I should be.  Even on boring nights at home, where I sit on the sofa with my crocheting or a book, and Big Guy putzes around on his computer while Little Guy plays a game/watches a movie/creates chaos, I feel at peace and content.  I like who and where I am. 

So, what lessons have I learned this year… 

I’ve learned that my tolerance for drama is at an all time low.  I’ve dealt with enough upheaval in my own life that if others want to create or bathe in drama, I can’t handle it anymore. It stresses me out, makes me tense, and I want to run away.  So, I’ve recognized that running from it may be the best option and I do. 

I’ve learned that I need to push myself harder to get things done.  I won NaNoWriMo.  Now I need to push myself to finish the book.  Get it written, get it revised, and get it out.  I have to stop caring whether or not it’s crap.  If Stephanie Meyer can get that misogynistic, cardboard drek published…  So can I. 

So, I resolve to complete my book and submit it for publication over the next year.  It’s grown in scope and I discovered as I wrote that I needed to go back even further.  I resolve to have a fantastic garden and to find new and wonderful opportunities to educate my child.  I resolve to create a peaceful, happy home for my family and to continue to put my best efforts into my marriage and my parenting. 

2011 was interesting and it ended on an extremely positive note.  Here’s hoping 2012 carries on getting better. 

Happy New Year!

My New Year's Resolution is to get back into writing regularly.  I know I need to narrow that goal down a little more and figure out exactly what "regularly" means, but for now I accept that I need to write more.  It's something I need to do, it's something that is important to me, and it's going to eventually give me what I want from it IF I put the effort into it. 

That's not to say that my hiatus hasn't been entirely unexpected.  Life, they say, is what happens when you're busy making other plans.  After the failure to get the commune off the ground, Big Guy and I continued with our plans to get out of where we were, even going so far as to look at purchasing a house in the country.  (My heart still breaks that we didn't get that house.)  However, while we were doing that, Big Guy got fired from his company AGAIN.  This was the second time in two years they had decided they didn't need him and booted him out the door.  I told him that if they asked him to come back again, not only was he to say no, but HELL NO. 

So, around the middle of November, we went from a two-parent working household to a two parent, one worker household.  Don't worry, I've engaged him in slave labor in my name and we got a LOT of help from friends and family over the holiday season as things attempted to sort themselves out.  I would like, at some point, to have an extended period of financial peace.  I think we've earned it over the past 8 years. 

Figuring out where to go from here is going ot be tricky.  He's submitting apps and resumes and I've suggested a few things, but we're unsure where or when things will shift.  We've been down this road before though.  This time he doesn't have an insane CS amount hanging over his head.  Now, it's slightly more reasonable and if the ex comes charging after him for more money, since he's jobless. I can't imagine they would raise it. 

We're also buckling down on expenses.  Christmas was stress inducing.  But the love and assistance of family and friends made it the best Christmas ever.  No matter what religion you believe in, it's easy to recognize a blessing when you see it.  I was also lucky enough to get a second class to teach this month, despite it being a split shift.  So, while I am exhausted, I am also bringing in money. 

Things will work out, I have faith in that.  Everything happens for a reason and the change in Big Guy's Job situation will undoubtedly lead to something better.  Now if it would just hurry up and arrive. 

Anniversary Weekend

This weekend, Big Guy and I celebrate six years of marriage.  It's so hard to imagine that we have been together that long, and yet people still talk about the party that was our wedding.  It really was a remarkable party that was a blast.  We were going through some pictures with his parents and came across some pictures from later that evening that will make great blackmail pictures for our friends. 

Being married to the love of my life has been an amazing experience and one that, like any marriage, has been full of ups and downs.  Big Guy and I were lucky enough to have the opportunity to go to counseling and learn how to communicate better with each other.  It ended up being  one of the best things we could have done for ourselves and for our marriage.  Aside from learning to communicate more effectively with each other, it also reinforced how committed and devoted to each other we are. 




Even more importantly, with all the horrible things hat happened over the last year, I am not sure how effectively we would have dealt with things.  Because we were able to improve our communication, we ere able to connect with each other even when the kids left and my aunt died.  It also enabled us to get through the job reduction he suffered with minimal conflict between us in our most stressful times. 

As it stands, I am happy we found each other.  We're on the same page regarding the raising of children and the way a marriage should work which makes any situation that much easier.  We know each other well enough to know what the other person's answer is likely to be and respect each other enough to not commit to things unless we're absolutely certain the other person is on board.  I feel like I have found a real partner who is devoted to our family and treats me like a princess. 

In a time where 50% of all marriages and 80% of all second and subsequent marriages end in divorce, we are lucky to beat the odds against us.  Even more importantly, we recognize how truly wonderful it is to have each other.

Let Me Call you Sweetheart Blog Hop!

Today's blog entry is part of the "Let me call you sweetheart" blog hop sponsored by The Frugal Housewife!  This is my first blog hop, so I am very excited!  It's sort of a pre-Valentines Day bash.  It's interesting to note that celebrating February 14th as a day of romantic love was unheard of before Chaucer (of Canterbury Tales fame) got a hold of St. Valentine and turned it into the hearts and flowers holiday we see today. 

Now, I've been married for the past 5 years and 11 months and Valentine's Day has definitely changed in meaning and likely will the longer I stay married. It's gone from the swooning, sweep-me-off-my-feet holiday to more of a "I still find you sexy even though I've seen you at your worst" kind of holiday.  Of course our anniversary has also changed over the years from a "Yay, another year married" to a celebration of "Holy crap, we survived another year despite the forces moving against us".

The key to this all though is that Big Guy and I make a point of celebrating these holidays and celebrating them together.  I think that our attempts to romance each other, even after 6 years of marriage, a child, and 3 moves, only strengthens our relationship.  It's one of those things that you have to work on in a relationship.  There are going to be days where you are unhappy, cranky, or just don't feel sexy and you'll still try.  If you have a good partner, most of the time they will pick up on the fact that you just aren't feeling it and will work to help get you in a better frame of mind. 

Fighting against your own blahs is difficult enough on your own, but it's worse when you and your significant other go through it together.  That has happened to Big Guy and I on occasion and we refer to it as our "downward spiral". It's the opposite of feeding off positive energy and we feed off the negative and just get worse and worse.  Luckily, after 6 years, we've learned to recognize when it starts and we will look at the other person and say: "Wait, stop, we're heading into our downward spiral."  Generally, that's enough to snap us out of it and work on finding the positive.  Noticing the beginning of the spiral, though, was no easy task. 

We did work hard at it and we learned to notice the clues in our therapy sessions.  And, let me tell you, in a blended family, marital therapy is invaluable.  We learned to communicate better and that helped us deal with issues that came with the ex and kids. And through all of that, we worked on making sure we still romanced each other. 

Some of the things we did weren't terribly romantic on the surface but were insanely romantic in context. One of the first Valentine's Day's we had together, we were dirt poor.  Those were desperate times, living hand to mouth and we had no way of getting out of it, but that day Big Guy came home with a heart-shaped pizza.  It was, for our budget at the time, a massive expenditure.  For my first Mother's Day, we were still dirt poor but Big Guy wanted to make sure I knew that he felt I was a good step-mother to his kids.  He brought home a case of Wild Cherry Pepsi.  Those were and still are big things to me. He worked hard to get something that we would enjoy and expressed his appreciation.  Always find someway to show your significant other you appreciate their efforts and find some way to make it something that speaks directly to them.

Valentine's Day isn't just about hearts and flowers, it's about being with and appreciating the one you love.  So, I love and appreciate you Big Guy.  Thank you for being there for me; for rubbing my back when I'm cramping, for letting me puke on your feet on election night, for standing next to me and seeing more of me than even I have seen during the birth of our son...  In return, I have rubbed your back as you puked, dealt with intestinal issues with you, and allowed you to slough off on your dish duty.  They may be the messy, gross times, but they are the times that are indicative of our love.

And I still find you sexy. 

Next Stop on the Hop - Lola's Diner!  Thanks for visiting!

The Top and Bottom 3 worries of this parent

Today's blog prompt is sponsored by JuiceboxJungle and Kodak.  They asked what the top and bottom three things are that I worry about as a mom.  I had to think about all the things that I worry about (and there were a great many) and then I had to organize them by sheer amount of worry.  It was not an easy job and it took some time, but I think I have it figured out.

Top Three Things
1 - Health

We are one of the families that exist without insurance. The cost for insurance through Big Guy's business was just too much. Because we are forced to operate without insurance, I am always paranoid that he's going to get sick or injured and I watch carefully for those situations.  Luckily, I also try to feed him a steady diet of fruit, vegetables, and vitamins.  I also tend to hover to make sure that he doesn't put himself in a situation that could lead to bodily injury. 

2 - Money
Big Guy and I work very hard at our respective jobs, but money is always tight and there is usually very little left over at the end of the month. When we buy gifts, they are planned out well in advance and Big Guy and I have become expert bargain hunters.  I frequent Freecycle for clothes and we tend to shop for household goods and apparel.  If we're in the market for games, books or movies, I keep an eye on half.com and will keep watch on particular items for weeks at a time to ensure I get the best price. In fact, my birthday gift this year is particularly notable because I am getting it brand new on release. 

3 - Education
I exist in an almost perpetual state of terror that my child will be the one left behind.  Because of that, I push him beyond his normal age range in subjects such as reading and math.  Admittedly, he is much smarter than I give him credit for and this should probably fall in the bottom three things, but he is both my and Big Guy's son and that means I need to worry to ensure I push him enough to succeed or else he's likely to try and get away from studying. 

The Bottom Three Things

This was probably harder than the top three items.  What do I worry about least with this child of mine?  These items aren't really worries because I have evidence of my success everyday. 

1 - Happiness

I don't worry about Little Guy's level of happiness.  His laughter rings throughout the house regularly every day and he still laughs himself to breathlessness at least once every 12 hours.  I have seen him collapse with the giggles over something his dad or I have said that is just silly...  It's wonderful. 

2 - Self-esteem
If there is one thing that my son does not lack, it's self-esteem. If you were to ask him if he has self-esteem issues, he will tell you no, he doesn't.  He doesn't seem to comprehend that there may be people out there who don't want to spend time with him or who may not like him.  He is a friendly, cheerful, gregarious child who is firmly convinced that everyone loves him and he is in charge. 

3 - His View of Relationships

I am nearly certain that my son will have successful relationships as he grows because of how hard Big Guy and I work to ensure that our own relationship is a success.  We've attended marital therapy and will readily say that it was one of the best things we could have done for our marriage.  We had a strong relationship before we went, but the therapy improved our communication skills and provided a safe haven to learn to deal with issues that would come up and serve to temper our strongly-forged relationship.  If we can continue to provide an example of a well-honed relationship, our son will b able to emulate the better aspects of our relationship and hopefully avoid the mistakes that his father and I made in previous relationships.

Attempting to narrow down worries into only six was a difficult task, but was actually helpful to me as a parent.  I can see where my focus is and measure how I am doing over all.  It also helped reassure me that I am a good mother to this amazing child.  He is happy, mostly healthy, somewhat sane, and has been sheltered from the worst of the events that we've dealt with.  He's confident, brave, headstrong, willful, smart and imaginative.  He expresses love freely and accepts affection as a matter of course.  How lucky I am to have him. 

Homeschooling Discussions

Big Guy and I had a "discussion" on my way into work yesterday.  We're currently at odds on the whole schooling thing with Little Guy, and I don't foresee these discussions going any better the closer Little Guy gets to attending school. 

I am on the side of homeschooling and will argue vehemently for that.  My reasons are sound, and, until recently, I thought Big Guy and I were in agreement on schooling.  I do not approve of the schools in the area where we live.  I do not believe they will be able to educate my son appropriately.  I do not hold the teachers at fault, but the area we live in was one of the hardest hit by the economic downturn because many of the people in the area are blue collar, factory workers.  Many of the people around here do not value education or what it can accomplish and I do not want my child growing up with that attitude. 

Big Guy has gone from agreement with me to saying, now, that Little Guy should go to the local schools.  He argues that we will not be able to educate him properly because we lack the money to buy the homeschooling books.  He says that Little Guy will do fine as long as we support his education in the school.  A lot of this started because a friend of ours, who teaches high school, made the comment that homeschooling was going to be bad for Little Guy because we would not be able to give him the social interaction he needed, no matter how hard we tried.

Now, Big Guy has gone from the "It's OK to homeschool" camp to "NO".  I'm frustrated and irritated because the normally smooth ground my marriage exists on has become somewhat bumpy.  Both of us are absolutely convinced of our position's correctness and these positions are diametrically opposed!  Our view of what's important plays a big part in our difficulties right now.  He sees social activities as an important part of school, while I view the quality of education as more important than socialization. 

Honestly, I hated the social aspects of school.  I was never good at playing the social games and never felt comfortable in the social groups.  I wasn't a band geek, I wasn't a jock, I was more aligned with the smart kids, but not really...  My group of friends referred to ourselves as "The Outcasts" because we were different.  Amusingly, we were all drastically different from each other as well.  But, the social strata was different in a much more condensed way.  It was a small parochial school; therefore, things were going to be difficult. 

Who knows what we'll do.  Big Guy doesn't think it's worth arguing about because we have a year and a half before Little Guy goes to school.  To me, that means a year and a half of more fighting until we come to an agreement.  I'm concerned that if I give in on the unimportant years, the earliest ones where they go over the basics, then I will lose ground later on where the difference in educational quality will become noticeable.  

 

Turn the Page

It’s been a busy week. I have to admit, I am glad it’s almost over.  For me, it really is.  I don’t have class tomorrow because they are moving to the new building and that means no teaching at all until Monday.  What a break!

Now, aside from grading, I really have time to focus on some other things…  Like writing in my blog and working on my OMGSOSUPERSOSECRETPROJECT and working on my novel. It’s been a rough summer, and it is probably only just beginning to hit us exactly how rough a summer it was.  I am going through, getting rid of clothes and gathering up toys, now that the house is mostly empty.  We’re still trying to adjust to life without the kids and it’s beginning to hit me exactly how much I put into the kids.

When Big Guy and I got together, I was determined to be the best step-mom ever.  I read books, made sure I didn’t overstep my bounds, and tried to follow the best, most rational advice available.  I offered support and guidance to my husband when he tired of the games his ex was playing and really devoted a lot of time and effort into both the battle and making sure the kids had the best chance at sanity that I could provide. So, for six years, I threw myself whole-heartedly into being a step-parent, to the exclusion of many things that I really should have been doing for myself.  And this May, when that effort was revealed to be useless, I really felt betrayed and destroyed by it.  But, through June and July, other things occupied my thoughts and time.  And now, I’m left with myself, Big Guy and Little Guy.  And it’s leaving me feeling a bit jittery.

So, where do I go from here?  Well, I work on something else.  I focus on the things that are important, like Big Guy and Little Guy.  I work on my projects.  And I sit back and breathe, take stock of where I am and figure out what I am feeling (aside from the surface emotions).  This is a new chapter in my life, let’s see what it says…